today i found out so many things from my bff gandhi dashnee i never knew about, or knew but decided to conveniently forget. 2 major tthings she said that would help me, was stop wearing dull colours and be colourful on the outside so my life would shift. that totally blew me away. i usually go to school clad in mundane colours and jeans. i never bother dressing up. thats going to change. the second thing she said was, get ballons and blow into them hard and visualize all negativities blowing out of my system. let them go.
fuck.. its so simple but its just that i never expected her to tell me that. i talked to her today longer than i talked to her in years over the phone. 1 hr ++++. i m grateful for having her with me. i dont open up much, but im glad i have people waiting for me to open up so they can run it and fix me up. she told me to fuck changing tomorrow and to start now. she said i got everything i want so i shouldnt waste my time fucking up.
i love you gandhi dashnee.
when i watch The Vampire Diaries, i feel moment of happiness, undistrupted happiness. when i stop watching, i get back to reality. the boringness of today. the boringness of no handsome vampire falling in love with me. or a hotass ian someholder villian after my life. sigh. when will there be a world of handsome vampires. fairies, prince charmings and happily ever after come? the golden age i guess.
this year has been a good one. the days that began the new year have been exciting and free. i feel free from the past, the first official year after a long time i started on a good note and which lasted more than just a couple of days.credits entirely to my meditation. but is stopped after a few days, but the effect was awesome. this past week however, brought me lots of confusion. especially after failing my driving pracc,i felt even worst. i felt like a failure completely. but maybe thats because, i expected too much to pass.
i go on Facebook. i look at people across the globe who i have no clue about. credits to Facebook changing its settings so we can see more of people who we havent added. an illusion bubbles up of how their lives are so perfect. that makes me reflect on mine, thinking further into how there is a lack of direction in my life.
you know the funny thing is that, i have everything. EVERYTHING,i could want and ask for. But something is still missing and thats happiness within me. this just proves, how you can have everything but if you are not a happy person within, you wont be able to enjoy the EVERYTHING that awaits you.
moral?
i need to start meditating again.
today is one day where i feel completely in fear of falling back to my old ways. i am not suppose to be feeling this year when in a few days the new year is going to begin. i am suppose to be excited and full of life and rejuvenated.i am fucking scared. oh God please help me feel better. i cannot afford another year in the pits.
days nowadays seem to bring a new sense of joy,its like the zest for living increases day by day. i enjoy living my life now and i would want to live on till im old, but shall not be decided by me, but the Almighty. im learning. thats the new thing that ive incorporated. im learning new things every day. i get insights, sometimes, just creeping into my mind.
these few days have been a really awesome. just so peaceful you know? its something like no unnecessary thoughts in my head. this has been the result of 10 min short meditation after each prayer at dawn,noon and dusk. this way i give 30 mins a day to myself, telling myself beautiful positive thoughts and calming my mind. it works and feels good.
You Can Heal Your Life.
Watch this movie. It will help you in more ways than you can ever imagine.
i woke up at 6am to be precise. i thought i was going to be late as usual, my paranoia . i ended up having 1/2 hour of snooze time and woke up abruptly again to my alarm. it always rings at 630am but i dont understand why, before i sleep every night, ill spend so much time making sure my alarm is set for 06.30am.
anyway im at SIM right now. just sitting down here trying to stall till 1.15pm. these few weeks ive not been at my best positive state. i had an awesome birthday and all, which someone deep down im utterly grateful for. but yet there is something just missing. today marks the last day( i hope) of this feeling. maybe the void would be filled today.
today is monday, 2nd november 09.
i hope there is more to today than what has been of the days in these past few weeks.
i am currently feeling a bit heavy somewhere down in my heart. i feel im not at a point i wanna be at. i am lacking something. something somewhere is preventing me from being entirely comfortable (not physically)at this point.i’m scared and yet irritated. i associate my uncomfortable feelings always to one thing. its not fair. i need to make my mind understand thats its all me. its all in my head what i feel and i can control it. yes i can control it. yes.
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